I’ve actually been stuck in a rut for a long time now.
In truth, there’s always been this sense that I can do better than what I’m currently doing, but there’s a lot of fear and uncertainty shackling me to stay low, don’t stand out. I know it’s not ideal to stay low like this, but I have this level of comfort that keeps me here.
You know how when you’re miserable and sad but you can’t be coaxed out so you stay there? Well, okay, I am kind of miserable and sad (which I am working on!) but here’s the truth; I am just comfortable. I had such low expectations from myself that kept me in this dark, comfy hole that I didn’t see a need to leave. After all, people are cruel, and trying to reach out and stand out to more people puts me under so much scrutiny that I could get anxious or depressed again. So why change things?
In truth, I knew that hole was fragile, that eventually all it would take is a huge flood to force me out into the unknown. But here’s the crazy part; I could have left that hole completely on my own had I just chosen to. In truth, I had the strength, the skills, and the ability to find a better place for myself that may not be comfortable, but would be a lot better.
But why didn’t I? Why did I wait for a flood to occur just so that I could finally move my ass to do better?
Well, that’s the problem with being comfortable; you don’t see the need to do better. If you already have a well paying job, a roof over your head, and enough food to keep you full, there’s not much of a need to do or be better. This is great for some people, but to me I always knew I couldn’t keep this up forever. A part of me yearned to utilise my skills, my abilities, in the way that I always wanted to do. But I still held back due to fear that everything I did would just lead to more unwanted hardships thanks to past experiences.
I have had moments where I tried to break out and take my skills to the next level, but it would be short bursts that rarely lasted. In the end I would return to that dark hole, spiraling down in this negativity, thinking that because I couldn’t do more, all of these bursts of creativity and work has actually failed and that I better get back to doing what I usually do.
So now that I am out of that hole, as much as a part of me longs to go back to it, I took it as a sign that this is the needed push to get me out and doing what I always wanted to do.
One of which is to write what I always wanted to write.
The problem with working as a writer is that you tend to write for others more than for yourself. This isn’t to say that writers work on projects that don’t interest them, because I have definitely written many articles that have deeply interested me and I was happy with the end result. But I was definitely denying my own freedom to write on topics that interest me because eventually, employers will demand more out of you than what you can offer.
KPIs need to be met, numbers needs to be hit, and that freedom of writing what you want is gone in favour of clickbaits and selling products. This was the world I lived in working as a writer, that made it clear that if my words don’t sell, it’s not needed.
Which is what this blog is about, and it’s something I want to do as a personal project for myself. And look, I know I could write all this for myself and not post this up for someone to read. It’s a ridiculously vulnerable post that doesn’t add any extra useful knowledge other than to relate to others. But there’s a purpose to this: I want to be held accountable.
As this blog is a project, I am going to set myself up as a sort of role model if not for others then for myself. I have come to discover that this is a side of myself I need to take on in order to embark upon this new journey. I will talk about this more in my next post as I share what I learnt in reading Gretchen Rubin’s “Better than Before” and how it helped me realised I’m an Obliger and how I need to be held accountable to get things done.